And Now for Something Completely Different ...

This was an end-of-semester, in-class writing assignment. At the beginning of class, the instructor gave us the following writing prompt:

  • Earth, year 2525, science fiction
  • Bot Roe lives on a flying boat near what used to be Dallas, Texas.
  • The family pet is missing.

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Bot Roe stood upon the main deck of his airship, vacantly peering over the railing. Below the ship lay the gray, gloomy, and mostly abandoned streets of Texas, but Bot barely noticed, for his mind was on other matters. Nothing had ever been the same since the Great Cataclysm of 2507, 18 years ago. But Bot had managed just fine, all thanks to the companionship of his family’s pet, Larry.

            Yesterday, while Bot and his family were asleep, Larry had disappeared, leaving no trace behind except for a letter. As he stared off into the distance, Bot pulled the letter from his coat pocket and read it once again.

            “If you want Larry back, head to the abandoned hotel in Dallas. You know, the one with the eerie noises and eldritch tentacles coming out of the windows. Anyway, meet me there, ALONE, and you can have Larry back. SF”

            “Who on earth would steal a pet and then offer to hand him back for simply meeting him somewhere, and who on earth is SF?” Larry wondered aloud. “I may not trust this guy, but if I don’t go alone, something bad might happen to Larry, and I cannot let that happen.”

            With that thought, Bot Roe determinedly climbed the stairs up to the ship’s control deck. “Go to the abandoned hotel,” he firmly told the ship’s AI control system.

            “En route,” the computer replied as the ship’s engines started up.

            A short time later, Bot disembarked from the ship and strode up to the door of the spooky, old hotel. As he put his hand on the knob, he was more than a little wary of the ancient structure with its crumbling, moss-covered walls, strange unending music, and inky, black tentacles coming out of a few broken windows.

            The door slid open with a loud creak as the survivor stepped inside. Before him stood an old man. The figure had a long grey beard, dark robes, and a metal staff with glowing symbols on it and an old army blaster barrel welded to the end. The man said nothing, but motioned down the hall with one hand.

            Bot wearily traversed the old hall, with the strange man following behind him. When he got to the end of the hall, a door swung open to reveal a man who looked very much like the one that had met Bot at the hotel’s entrance. Bot stepped through the door, and a moment later, the two old men pointed their jury-rigged blaster staffs at him. But Bot had come prepared.

            The survivor pressed a small button on the inside of his long coat sleeve and a comically small blaster popped out from a compartment in the side of his shoe. In a flash, Bot Roe threw himself to the ground, avoiding the the two laser blasts that flew over his head. In a single motion, Bot rolled to his feet, grabbed the blaster from his shoe, and put a laser right between the first old man’s eyes. The second old man began chanting some bizarre arcane words, but soon found out that stopping to chant for several seconds during a gun fight is a bad idea, as as laser struck him in the chest and sent his corpse to the floor.

            “Very well done,” came a strange voice from behind Bot.

            Bot turned around to see a tall, slender man with a squid-like, tentacle face, looking at him.

            “I should have known that SF stood for Squid Face,” Bot muttered under his breath, right before the monstrous creature knocked him to the ground with a punch to the gut. Squid Face stood laughing at Bot who lay sprawled on the ground. Suddenly, there was a metallic whirring noise behind the squid man, followed by numerous flashes of light and screams of pain.

            A moment later, the lifeless form of Squid Face fell to the floor beside Bot. Bot Roe looked up at the smiling face of his pet killer robot, Larry. “Let’s go home,” he declared as he got to his feet.

            

"The Rookies" - Chapter 3: Welcome Aboard

            Shandri awoke. She found herself in a cramped space, and to her surprise she could see quite well despite it being pitch black. She was lying on her back on comfortable bedding, but the narrow walls were made of stone, as was the lid that covered what she guessed was a coffin. The last thing she could remember was Countess Mara’s fangs plunging into her neck. Being a researcher of monsters, it only took her a moment to realize what had happened.

            Rather than being horrified at the great likelihood that she was now a vampire, Shandri was excited about the deep knowledge she would be able to attain about the characteristics of vampires. She quickly resolved to exit the coffin and see where she was, before experimenting with her new abilities.

            She thrust her arms up in an attempt to remove the coffin’s lid. The lid was flung from the coffin with unexpected force and slammed loudly to the floor. “I knew that vampirism came with increased strength, but wow! I must test the extent of this later!” Shandri gleefully pondered. The wizard quickly got to her feet and stepped out of the coffin.

            The room was rectangular and made from finely crafted stone bricks. On each side of the room were two stone coffins, each with its occupant’s name inlaid in gold upon the lid. At the far end of the room was a set of large, stone double doors. A small orb of green light hovered in the air above the finely-carpeted floor. The ball of light seemed to take notice of Shandri, and after observing her for a few moments it hastily flew upwards, passing through the ceiling as if it were not there.

            Upon further inspection, Shandri found the weapons and magic items that the guards had confiscated from her and her friends. The items had been placed on the ground next to their owners’ coffins. Shandri quickly retrieved her grimoire and her dagger. She rapidly flipped through her grimoire to make sure it had not been damaged. To her surprise, there were a few spells she did not know. “This definitely isn’t my handwriting, but whose is it then?”, she wondered to herself.

            Shandri ambled to the nearest coffin and read the inscription. “Sir Mark”. She easily lifted the lid and placed it upon the floor. Mark was noticeably paler than he used to be, his chest was no longer bandaged, and his wound was completely gone. Shandri grabbed his shoulder and gently shook him awake.

            His eyes fluttered open. They were crimson instead of their previous emerald hue. “What happened?” Sir Mark groggily questioned as he got to his feet and began blearily looking around.

            “The Countess drank our blood and turned us into her vampire minions. It’s not all that bad, though. We have enhanced physical capabilities, rapid regeneration, immortality, and possibly other powers as well,” Shandri giddily explained. “And best of all, this will be some of the best research I have ever done!”

            “I was really hoping to prove myself by defeating the countess,” Sir Mark sighed. “But judging by her fight with Syllia, I would not have stood a chance against her. At least my new abilities will probably make me a better duelist,” he concluded resignedly.

            Sir Mark strode over to Syllia’s coffin and braced himself to hoist the heavy lid. He stumbled awkwardly backwards as he used far more force than was necessary. “I guess that’s how he so easily stopped my blade,” he mused.

            Syllia’s eyes snapped open. She quickly got to her feet and leapt out of the coffin. She stood for a moment, examining her companions before realizing what had happened. The elf exhaled angrily as she balled up her fists and kicked the coffin lid with all her might. It flew across the room and shattered into several pieces. Syllia stood stunned as she looked down at her uninjured foot, then back over at the pile of rubble. Her expression of rage morphed into a sly grin. Oh, the possibilities!

            Syllia remembered her brother and hastily ran to his coffin, throwing the lid off. Sir Mark used his newfound lightning-fast agility to dodge out of the way as it smashed into the wall. Upon seeing his sister’s red eyes, Thamior screamed in horror and scrambled out of the coffin. He stood in stunned terror as he took in the unholy sight his two other companions. The elf turned his gaze to look down at his own pale hand. With an expression of pained resolve, he walked dutifully over to Shandri, who did nothing to stop him as he snatched the dagger from her belt. He stood for a moment, closed his eyes, and chanted, “From dust I came and to dust I must return!” as he plunged the dagger deep into his chest and collapsed to the floor.

            As the others peered down at Thamior in confusion and concern, the room’s double doors creaked open. Standing in the doorway was Countess Mara Graycastle, flanked by Captain Ivor Marsk, and someone the group did not recognize. The slightly translucent figure’s body and clothes were various shades of blue and cyan, and she hovered a few inches above the ground next to Mara. The ghost wore an elegant and formal, floor length dress and her long hair flowed freely down her back. Three will o’ wisps bobbed through the air around her.

            “So, these are the new servants?” the ghost queried in a melodious and genteel voice as she inspected the former adventures. The specter turned her gaze bemusedly down to Thamior. “Get up and stand before the countess, boy,” she commanded as she telekinetically tossed the dagger to the floor and lifted him by his collar. The ghost set him gently down into a standing position.

            The druid’s eyes opened as he realized he was, in fact, not dead. Growling in frustration, he bent down, retrieved the weapon from the floor, and violently thrust it toward his face.

            “Don’t,” Mara sighed, rolling her eyes toward the heavens.

            Upon hearing the order, Thamior found it impossible to move the blade any closer to his face. With a resigned whimper, he opened his hand and let the blade clatter to the floor.

            “To answer your question, these are indeed the new servants, Vesna,” Mara interjected with a pleased smile.

            “How did they fare in the ‘interview’?” Vesna questioned.

            “They held their own against the skeletons until the necroguards stepped in. The elf woman gave Dorn a bad day, and they were all clearly no match for me or Mara,” Ivor explained with a hollow laugh. “And this one,” he stated, pointing a finger at Thamior, “. . . has potential. But I think we have a fixer-upper on our hands.”

            “Very well then,” Vesna affirmed before turning to address the new recruits. “Greetings, new servants. I am Vesna, the seneschal of this castle. Over the coming months, I will be working alongside Ivor and Mara to train you to be better warriors and servants,” she explained. “Syllia and Sir Mark, you two will become members of the castle guard. Shandri, you will be the countess’ personal scribe and the librarian’s assistant. And Thamior, you will become . . . the chief gardener.” The druid glowered.

            “Why did somebody write new spells in my grimoire?” Shandri questioned in an inquisitive, but slightly perturbed, voice.

            Vesna’s glowing, cyan eyes settled on the young wizard. “You will attend classes at the Grand Academy of Undeath in order to learn the art of necromancy. I had those spells written into your book to prepare you for your first classes. Now then,” she said, addressing the group, “follow me for your first assignments as servants of the countess, and please, try not to break any more of the furniture.”


"The Rookies" - Chapter 2: You Can Certainly Try

            Countess Mara Graycastle watched from her luxurious throne as the double doors swung open. Captain Ivor Marsk strode into the room followed by the two skeleton knights, four skeleton guards who were dragging the adventures into the room, and Dorn the Wight who was slightly limping.

            The adventures’ hands and feet were bound with rope and their weapons and magical items had been confiscated. Shandri and Thamior had been gagged to prevent them from chanting spell incantations, and Sir Mark had several blood-stained bandages crisscrossing his chest. The undead guards stopped a short distance into the room and forced the adventures into kneeling positions with their hands behind their backs.

            “You’ve done an excellent a job as always with this one, Ivor,” Mara pleasantly commended the guard captain. “Please stay here with the necroguards until the proceedings are complete, but the other guards may return to their duties.”

            “Yes, my lady,” Ivor assented with a slight bow.

            The four skeleton guards and Dorn quickly filed out of the room, leaving the adventurers alone with Captain Marsk, the two skeleton knights, and the Countess.

            “What are you going to do with us?” Sir Mark demanded in a voice that betrayed his fear.

            “You will find out soon enough, wont you?” Mara mocked as she stood from her throne.

            As Mara began slowly approaching the captives, a spectral orb of yellow light rose out of the floor and began curiously flitting around the room. While the ball of light seemingly surveyed the room, Shandri summoned her notebook and quill, one of the only feats of magic she was capable of performing while gagged, and began awkwardly scrawling notes behind her back. After a few more seconds, the orb stopped and hovered in place next to Mara.

            “Go and tell Vesna to make sure that the servants have the coffins ready for when I am done with the adventurers,” the countess off-handedly ordered to the will o’ wisp. Bobbing in the air to show its assent, the light drifted down through the floor and out of sight. Mara looked back at the prisoners and noticed what Shandri was doing. “What is she writing in that book?” the vampire queried, a hint of amusement in her voice.

            “It… appears that she is taking notes on the characteristics of the undead from studying us and the wisp,” Ivor explained in a puzzled voice as he looked down at the bound mage. “Shall I confiscate the book?”

            “No, she can do no harm to us with it, and I am quite interested to read what she has written later today.”

             “Let us go!” Syllia shouted in a threatening, yet nervous, voice.

            “Why?” the countess questioned with an amused grin.

            The elf clenched her fists as her hands were engulfed in flames and her bonds rapidly burned through and fell from her. With impressive speed, Syllia leapt to her feet and spun around, delivering a flaming punch to Ivor’s chest. The force of the blow flung the surprised guard captain against the room’s double doors in a small, fiery explosion. “Because I doubt you would like it if I punched a hole in your face!” Syllia announced with renewed resolve.

            Ivor quickly recovered from the blow, strode forward, and—ignoring the pain—reached for his sword. Before the paladin could draw his blade, Thamior rapidly transformed from an elf into a seven-foot-tall, brown bear, his bonds vanishing into his new form along with his clothes.

            “Well, I guess you will get to try and kill me after all,” the countess laughed as she turned and retrieved a decorative ebony cane that was leaning against her throne.

            Syllia dashed forward, hurling a blast of radiant power from each hand. Mara sprang out of the way and stood, unbothered, wielding the cane by its bat-shaped, onyx handle. The elf launched a second attack with her bare hands, unleashing a rapid a flurry of punches, but the vampire deflected each one with her cane, painfully striking Syllia in the arm. Taking a step back, the elf began concentrating, and in a few moments, her fists were engulfed in flames.

            Thamior the bear leapt at Ivor, swinging both of his great, clawed paws down at the vampire. “Watch the other two. I can handle this!” Captain Marsk barked at the skeleton knights as he rolled out of the bear’s way. An explosion of pain erupted in Thamior’s side as his foe’s glowing, clawed gauntlet dug brutally into his ribs. He retaliated with a furious swipe that collided with Ivor’s armored torso. The bear’s powerful jaws closed around the vampire guard captian’s arm before he could attack again.

            Syllia lunged forward, punching with both flaming hands in succession. With a bored yawn, Mara held out her left hand and conjured a shadowy barrier. The elf’s blows smashed against the barrier in a blast of fire and smoke that consumed the last of Syllia’s ki power. The adventurer waited intently for the smoke to clear, hoping to find the countess sprawled on the floor, but to her horror, the smoke did not clear, and instead formed itself into several dark and hazy tendrils that lashed out at her.

            Ivor thrust his free hand into the bear’s jaw, forcing Thamior to stumble back and let go of his enemy’s limb. Before the bear could recover, the vampire guard captain’s deadly blade plunged into its chest in a burst of dark energy. Slamming his foot into Thamior’s chest, Ivor pushed him off of his blade and onto the ground. As he hit the floor, the druid transformed back into his elf form, still bound and unable to do anything but watch helplessly as the terrible scene unfolded.

            Syllia struggled against the inky tendrils as they snaked around her limbs. Despite her best efforts, the elf was unable to free herself as they wrapped around her body and held her firmly in place.

“You certainly did try,” scoffed the countess as she strolled up to the restrained elf. “I think that you’ll be first.”

            Syllia was helpless to stop Mara as the vampire sunk her fangs into the elf’s neck. After a few seconds, the countess stepped back and wiped the blood from her mouth with a white, linen handkerchief as the tendrils dissipated and Syllia’s lifeless body slumped to the ground.

            “Syllia!” Sir William shouted in horror. “What have you done to her?”

            “I have had a delicious snack, and prepared her to become my servant,” Mara explained with a cheerful grin. “Don’t worry, you and your other friends will be joining her on my staff.”

Go to Chapter 3 ⏩



"The Rookies" - Chapter 1: A Warm Welcome

             The four adventures strode down the cobblestone road leading to the foreboding castle before them.

            “Well, we’re finally here. And I, for one, am ready to punch some vampires!” Syllia exclaimed.

            “I’m amazed that we got here with so little opposition. I didn’t really think stealth was our thing,” Thamior explained with a laugh.

            “I didn’t think it was either, but I’m glad we got here so unopposed, because I think we will need all our strength to make it out of this one,” Sir Mark stated with a slightly nervous grin.

            “This will make for some fascinating research!” Shandri excitedly proclaimed.

            “I’m sure it will,” Thamior agreed. “Now how shall we get in?”

            “The good, old-fashioned way!” Syllia shouted as she took hold of the skull-shaped knocker and banged it against the door several times.

            After a few seconds, the great double doors swung open. Standing in the entrance was a wight.  His chalk-white skin and stringy, colorless hair stood in stark contrast to his dark leather uniform and polished breastplate. His cold and dark, yet intelligent and malevolent, eyes surveyed the strange visitors from within his polished helmet. “Name yourselves and state your business,” Dorn rasped.

            “Syllia Fenselor,” responded the fair-skinned elf standing directly before him. There was an impatient edge to her voice and a dangerous twinkle in her deep, brown eyes. She wore loose and flowing red robes, spiraling golden bracers and brown boots with winglike designs on the sides. Her chestnut hair was styled in a no-nonsense pixie cut, which was unusual for her kind.

            A human swordsman stepped out from behind her and bowed deeply, flourishing an arm out to one side. “Sir Mark of West Argen, at your service,” he announced in a smooth, self-assured, tenor voice. His leather armor was similar to Dorn’s own, but significantly lighter in shade and impeccably maintained. He wore no helmet, and not a hair on his sandy blonde head was out of place. At his hip hung an embellished rapier, his hand resting dutifully upon its hilt.

            A second elf stepped forward. He was clad in leather armor made from the hide of an owlbear, held a wooden quarterstaff at his side, and bore a striking resemblance to his sister. “Thamior Fenselor,” he stated tersely before stepping back into his original position. The druid had no respect for the undead, as they were an affront to the natural world.

            Sir Mark subtly nudged the last member of their party. “Oh! Uh, Shandri Evenwood,” offered the human, her green eyes briefly glancing up from the well-worn journal in which she was rapidly scribbling notes about their current inquisitor. She was dressed in simple, blue and white robes, and her flowing, raven hair was tucked behind her ears.

            The wight attempted a pleasant smile. “Come right in. I am sorry that I did not recognize you. The countess has been expecting you and we should not keep her waiting.”

            The four young adventurers shared confused glances, as they had not thought that the countess knew who they were or of their coming, and even if she did know, they would not have expected a warm welcome.

            The group followed Dorn through the lavish, yet eerie, halls of the castle. Soon they came to an exquisite banquet hall. They passed between a pair of heavily armored skeleton warriors wielding glaives as they entered. In the room’s center was a massive feasting table, above which hung three ornate silver chandeliers. At the far end of the table, Countess Mara Graycastle examined them with her piercing, ruby eyes. Her sleek, black hair was swept up at the sides, save for a handful of ringlets that framed her flawless, alabaster face. She donned a black, damask gown laced at the midriff and accented with a crimson collar and dramatic, flowing, crimson cuffs. Underneath shimmered a sanguine, damask dress.

            “Welcome, adventurers. I have been expecting you.” Mara cordially greeted as she set down the golden goblet she had been holding.

            “How did you know we were coming?” Thamior nervously questioned.

            “Did you really think you were able to sneak into the heart of the Empire of Undeath unnoticed?” the countess asked rhetorically, a slight grin revealing the tips of her fangs. “No. You only made it here because I wanted you to.”

            “Wh… why would you want us to come here?” Sir Mark nervously queried as he reached for his rapier.

            “You will find out soon enough.” Mara cryptically stated with a chuckle. “Now let’s get down to business. If I am not mistaken, you have come here to kill me. Is that correct?”

            “Indeed, it is!” Syllia boldly declared, audibly smacking her fist into her palm.

            “Well, that’s a shame… because I don’t intend to let you try,” the countess mocked.

            “How do you intend to stop us?” Syllia challenged.

            Mara smiled at the adventurers and disappeared in a brief cloud of silvery mist.

            Before anyone could speak, there was a loud crash as a figure leapt from where it had been clinging to the ceiling and landed upon the table a short distance in front of the group. The tall figure was clad in a suit of polished silver platemail, the fingers of his gauntlets ending in wicked metal claws. Little of Captain Ivor Marsk’s face was visible from within his helmet, save for his baleful red eyes. As the guard captain strode across the table toward them, the adventurers took up defensive positions, Shandri desummoning her notebook and pulling out her grimoire.

            Dorn the wight drew a sword and shield as he pivoted to face the adventurers. They turned to run but the two skeleton guards had crossed their glaives across the doorway, barring the exit. At that moment, the sound of doors flinging open echoed through the tremendous room as several armed and armored skeletons swarmed into it through side entrances.

            Ivor leapt from the table and slashed at Syllia with his clawed gauntlets as he fell. The elf nimbly leapt out of the way and hurled a radiant bolt from her hand in retaliation. Captain Marsk’s hand glowed with a menacing black energy as he contemptuously swung it through the flying bolt, destroying it in a flash of light and dark.

The captain thrust his left hand forward, easily blocking Sir Mark’s incoming rapier with his claws, then he knocked it aside with a lazy swipe. As the swordsman moved his weapon back into position, the dark paladin drew his own wicked blade with his other hand. The two warriors’ blades flashed through the air in a flurry of strikes and parries. Mark was doing his best, but his foe’s strikes had an air of boredom to them.

            Syllia nimbly sidestepped a swing from Dorn and turned to face him. She leapt forward, hurling an uppercut at the wight. He barely managed to dodge the blow before retaliating with a shield bash that sent the elf stumbling back. Dorn then followed up with a slash that the adventurer blocked with her enchanted bracers.

            Shandri readied herself as several skeletons advanced on her.  She began rapidly flipping through her grimoire and frantically chanting arcane words. Three bolts of magical force shot from her outstretched hand, swerving through the air to evade the front skeleton’s shield. The undead warrior collapsed into a pile of bones as the young mage unleashed a thunderous blast, flinging the next two skeletons away from her. She then summoned a suit of translucent armor around herself just in time to deflect a skeleton’s sword.

            Thamior muttered a short string of words as his foes approached. The wooden quarterstaff he was holding glowed with a green energy as it was blessed with the power of nature. The druid deftly deflected the first skeleton’s sword before driving it back with a blow to its shield. Before the monster could recover, it was struck in the jaw by the weapon and flung to the ground. The elf pushed a second skeleton back with a gust of wind, and sent a third to the ground with his quarterstaff.

            Sir Mark feinted to the side with his rapier, then suddenly slashed in the other direction, catching Ivor with his sword out of position. At the last moment, the captain caught the blade from the air with his off-hand. The rapier had slashed through his gauntlet and left a deep cut in his hand. However, Mark realized a moment too late that, despite the injury, his foe had a death grip on the blade and possessed superior strength. Before the swordsman could free his weapon, he was slashed across the torso by the vampire’s dark-energy-infused blade, which cleaved a massive gash through Mark’s breastplate and left a long, diagonal cut across his chest. The skin around the wound looked pale and sickly from the dark energy that had washed over it. Mark let go of his rapier and collapsed to his knees. He was only alive because Ivor had expertly pulled the blow to prevent it from being too deep. The gash in Captain Marsk’s hand rapidly healed as he spitefully kicked the defeated adventurer to the ground.

            Syllia nimbly maneuvered around the wight, striking him in the back with a spinning kick. Dorn staggered a few steps forward and braced himself on the table. He was barely able to interpose his shield between himself and the elf’s flaming punch. The blow created a fiery blast and flung the undead soldier onto the table, flinging the sword and shield from his hands in the process. Syllia leapt into the air and punched down at her prone opponent as she landed. He rolled out of the way and grabbed her wrist, letting out a hollow laugh as a portion of her lifeforce drained from her arm and into his hand. Before Syllia could retaliate, the wight kicked her hard in the chest, knocking her off of her feet.

            Shandri clumsily pulled a dagger from her belt and used it to desperately fend off the skeleton’s attacks. Suddenly, she felt a hard blow to her back and stumbled forward as one of the guards struck her with the shaft of its glaive. As she recovered from the blow, Shandri was knocked flat as the skeleton brought its shield down upon her head. Before she could get up, the undead knight placed the blade of its glaive on her neck, preventing her from moving.

            The second skeleton knight charged at Thamior with its glaive. He deftly blocked its sweeping strikes with his quarterstaff. Suddenly, one of the other skeletons grabbed hold of his arm and wrenched the weapon from his grip. Before he could react, the elf was struck in the stomach by the butt of the glaive. With the wind knocked out of him, he was unable to prevent the other skeleton from grabbing his other arm. The undead guard held Thamior’s hands together behind his back as the skeleton knight placed its weapon to his throat.

            As Dorn the wight stood over her, Syllia launched a bolt of radiant power from her hand. Her unprepared foe was struck in the chest, denting his steel breastplate. Syllia struggled to her feet and narrowly sidestepped a punch from the wight, then sent him sprawling with an uppercut to the jaw. “Take that, you rotting corpse!” she triumphantly shouted… just before an armored hand closed around her throat. The elf struggled against the iron grip as she was hoisted into the air. She kicked at her assailant’s chest but was not able to muster much power. Ignoring the feeble attacks, Ivor slammed Syllia down onto the table, leaving long cracks in it. The elf was quickly subdued by her attacker’s bladed fingertips pressing against her neck.

Go to Chapter 2 ⏩



"The Rookies" - Synopsis

A group of rookie adventurers decides to travel to the Empire of Undeath with the goal of slaying the famous and influential vampire, Countess Mara Graycastle, but it doesn’t take long for them to get in over their heads.

Go to Chapter 1 ⏩



"Steven's Dad" Grades His D&D Character Sheet

Steven He as "Steven's Dad" grading a D&D character sheet I created that assumes everything he ever said about himself is true:

  • All stats are at maximum level (A+!)
  • Abilities enable him to fight two lions every day on his way to school AND fend off a T-Rex with nunchucks
  • Wears an Amulet of the Plains to move through multiple dimensions
  • Wields the +3 Sandal of EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!
  • Proficient in cooking and carries 10 cans of Beijing Corn (in his Bag of Holding) that act as high-level healing potions
  • Proficient in playing the viol to impress his aunts and uncles at family gatherings

(My mother recorded this video at New York Comic Con on Friday, October 7, 2022.)



Click on a character sheet below to see it more clearly.

Steven's Dad D&D Character Sheet - Page 1


Steven's Dad D&D Character Sheet - Page 2


Steven's Dad D&D Character Sheet - Page 3
Steven's Dad D&D Character Sheet - Page 4



"The Plot" - Epilogue

Ted strode purposefully into the medical wing. All around were beds, on each was an injured member of the thieves guild. As he continued toward his destination, Ted saw Raven walking from patient to patient, healing them with his ki powers and medicine syringes built into his new mithril arm.

“Are you here to help?” the plague doctor queried. “I only have so much medicine and ki you know.”

“Yes, but I am mainly here about Cloud,” the dragonborn clarified.

“I’m glad you could come. Even I can’t heal death, but I know you can,” Raven explained.

Ted strode to the cot on which lay the dead body of Cloud. The dragonborn placed the corpse on the floor and began an hour-long ritual involving druidic chanting as well as the application of rare herbs and oils. Once the ritual was complete, Cloud’s body sunk into the ground, and was replaced a few seconds later by a living and fully grown frog person.

“What happened?” Cloud the grung groggily questioned.

--------------------

Chelm watched excitedly as his cheese cultists positioned a life-sized statue of Blex, made entirely of cheese, in the city’s center. Chelm had sculpted the statue using his disintegration ray, in celebration of Imperium Cleptarum’s victory, and more importantly, the beholder thought, the sponsorship of Chelm’s Cheese as the official cheese producer of the kingdom. It was a terrific reward, and Chelm had terrific plans.

--------------------

Blex levitated over his war room table, carefully examining the map with his eyestalks as he pondered the great tasks which lay ahead. He had killed King Argos the 5th and taken his crown, yet the beholder still needed to cement his position as ruler of Argen. He continued to operate out of Imperium Cleptarum HQ because his paranoid mind found the castle to be far too exposed and unsafe. I can use the gold my men have plundered from the royal treasury to upgrade my construct factory and hire more thieves, assassins, and other henchmen! the beholder plotted. Then I can strike down any who would oppose me and rule as the greatest king Argen has ever seen! As Blex finished his thought, the room’s heavy double doors swung open.

General Grave strode into the room, flanked by a pair of eye guards. The construct general had been completely repaired since the battle and showed no signs of the injuries the king had inflicted upon him. “I have returned,” the recently promoted Grave announced.

“Well? How did your mission go?” Blex eagerly questioned.

“Our forces have secured the entire stretch of countryside surrounding the capital, but in the far corners of the kingdom, dissent is on the rise,” the general gravely began. “Although you wear the crown, not everyone is willing to accept you as their king, my lord. Soon we will have several rebel groups vying for power, each lead by some foolish noble or other looking to claim your crown. I suggest we make ready,” General Grave finished determinedly.

“I foresaw that this would happen and have planned accordingly. I have already begun preparations for this eventuality,” The beholder king explained with a wide grin. “Gather the troops. We have a civil war to win!”

"The Plot" - Chapter 9: Battle of Champions

Commander Grave strode confidently into the throne room. In each corner of the room stood a royal guard wearing gold-trimmed bronze armor and wielding a bronze shield and an adamantine-tipped spear. Seated on the throne at the opposite end of the room was King Argos the 5th.

“Your reign is at an end, fool!” Grave announced.

“I don’t know who you are or why you’re here, but I will not give up my throne!” Argos boomed. The king stood from his throne and drew his exquisite royal shield and his family’s ancestral spear, Stormspite. The weapon was made from gold-trimmed bronze with a cyan, glowing spear head shaped like a lightning bolt.

Three of the royal guards charged toward the construct commander and the fourth headed toward the king. Commander Grave caught the first royal guard’s spear with his hand and hurled the man into the nearest wall. The second guard stopped dead in his tracks with his shield in front of his face as Grave unleashed a torrent of flames from his wrist. The warforged commander then dashed forward and grabbed the man’s shield, tossing it aside. He hoisted the royal guard into the air by his throat with one hand, and with his other hand reached down and grabbed a laser pistol from his belt, blasting the helpless guard right between the eyes. As the third guard approached, he was knocked to the ground by the lifeless body of guard number two hurtling through the air.

As King Argos the 5th strode purposefully toward Commander Grave, he turned to see one of his guards sprinting toward him. Suddenly the guard transformed, revealing himself to be Ferrum. The changeling threw down his shield, drew a shortsword, and lunged forward, stabbing his spear at the king. Argos blocked the attack with his shield and was surprised to find that the weapon was now somehow adhered to it.  Ferrum used his sticky spear to wrench the king’s shield sideways, leaving the monarch vulnerable to a short sword attack. The sword sliced across Argos’ chest, but did little damage due to his enchanted royal armor. The king tossed away his shield, yanking Ferrum’s spear sideways before the mimic removed itself from the shield. The changeling retreated a few steps and went into a ready stance.

One of the royal guards got to his feet and ran toward Commander Grave. He charged determinedly forward, blocking laser blasts with his shield as he went. The brave soldier was hit by a few blasts that got around his shield and collapsed to the ground a few feet in front of the construct commander. Grave finished him off, caving in the poor man’s skull with his metallic foot. He then picked up the guard’s spear, and impaled the last charging guard with the weapon.

Ferrum sidestepped a strike from Stormspite and retaliated with a swing from his short sword. King Argos knocked the attack aside with his spear, but his leg was grazed by Ferrum’s mimic spear. Argos winced in pain as his wound was worsened by the weapon’s acid saliva.

“I will tolerate your presence no longer, assassin!” the king boomed, a bolt of lightning shooting from Stormspite’s point.

Shifty, Ferrum’s mimic weapon, reflexively morphed into a shield to block the bolt. The rogue was unharmed by the blast, but the force of the impact launched him through a nearby window.

Commander Grave and King Argos the 5th stood alone in the room sizing each other up. Grave shook the cape from his shoulders as his two arms split into four thinner ones, with two fingers and a thumb on each hand. The commander’s mechanical laugh echoed through the throne rooms as he drew his four swords. The king retrieved his shield, then gritted his teeth and planted his feet as the mechanical death machine barreled toward him. Argos thrust Stormspite at Grave, but the commander batted it aside with one of his swords. The king was forced to give ground as he desperately fended off his foe’s four blades with his shield. In the process, he was struck painfully in the shoulder and slashed across the side, narrowly avoiding being crippled because of his armor.

Argos furiously bashed Grave with his shield, but the commander blocked the blow with his quadruple blades. The two champions stood, locked in a shoving match. Commander Grave soon proved to be stronger and pushed King Argos back before blasting him with his flamethrower. The king interposed his shield and staved off most of the flames, only being lightly singed in a few places. Argos thrust Stormspite forward, its tip crackling with electricity as it lightning shot from it. Grave activated a hexagonal energy shield from each of his wrists and interlocked them into a defensive wall. The energy wall blocked the blast entirely, but the commander was pushed back several feet. Grave deactivated the shields and fired a harpoon from one arm. The harpoon was attached by a steel cable and stuck into Argos’ shield. Commander Grave attempted to mechanically reel the shield in but was stopped when the king severed the cord with his spear, leaving the harpoon lodged in the shield.

King Argos lunged and stabbed his spear through one of his foe’s arms, shocking the commander with electricity in the process. As the monarch pulled Stormspite from the appendage, the mechanical arm dropped its sword and dangled limply at Grave’s side. The construct leader growled robotically and clamped his clawed foot onto the edge of his opponent’s shield. Grave wrenched the item from Argos’ grasp and hurled it out the same window Ferrum had sailed through moments ago. The mechanical warrior pressed the attack with a vicious flurry of blows. The king dodged several slashes and blocked several more with the shaft of his spear, but was sliced across one knee and had the crown struck from his head. Argos retaliated with a furious uppercut to Grave’s jaw using the butt of Stormspite. As the commander recovered from the blow, the king stabbed him in the chest with the point of his spear. “Die, you despicable construct usurper!” he hatefully yelled, kicking Grave backward while yanking his spear from the commander’s body.

Grave fell to one knee as Argos’s weapon crackled once more and the king pointed it toward the ceiling. A small blue light appeaered Grave’s arm as he activated his communicator. “Now!” he shouted as a bolt of electricity shot forth from the monarch’s spear and struck the roof, collapsing a sizable section of the ceiling onto the commander.

What was that signal for? the king wondered as he stood resting on his spear and breathing heavily. He question was soon answered when a large chunk of the floor disintegrated in the center of the room. “Hello Argos. I am Blex, orchestrator of this invasion, leader of Imperium Cleptarum, and most importantly, your doom!” the beholder crime lord imperiously boomed as he arose from the hole in the ground, his central eye shut.

 King Argos whirled around to see who was speaking. Before he knew what was happening, the monarch was levitated into the air and flung against a wall by the beholder’s light blue telekinesis ray. As the king struggled to his feet amidst a torrent of colorful beams, he was hit with an orange ray and his mind began filling with fear and dread. He struggled to overcome the fright, and the moment he managed to snap out of it, he was hit with another beam. This one was dark gray, and it seemed to set everything he did in slow motion. He tried to hurl Stormspite at Blex, but his arm moved so sluggishly through the air, the beholder easily predicted the spear’s path and moved out of the way. In his slowed state, King Argos was barely able to dodge two more beams before he was blasted by a sickly green ray and sapped of a portion of his lifeforce. The enchanted spear flew through the air and returned to the monarch’s hand. “You! I will destroy you and snuff out your guild!” the king shouted in rage as he broke free from the slowness. He pointed Stormspite at Blex as its tip began to electrify.

With a booming laugh that reverberated around the room, the beholder opened his central eye. To his surprise and dismay, King Argos’s spear suddenly lost its electricity and failed to fire its bolt.

“Puny human! Your silly relics are of no use under my gaze!” Blex shouted with an air of extreme self-satisfaction and importance.

As Argos the 5th stared disbelievingly at the beholder, he felt a sudden and excruciating pain in his chest. The monarch looked down to find three blades protruding from his breastplate. Behind him stood Commander Grave. The construct commander was dented and scratched in several places, only one of his eyes was lit up, and his damaged arm had been severed by the rubble. As the dying king gasped for breath, Blex snapped his central eye shut and targeted Argos with a deathly black ray. The king’s body disintegrated into dust as his armor and Stormspite clattered to the floor.

“It is done!” Blex exclaimed as he lifted the king’s crown with a light blue ray and placed it atop his fedora.

Go to Epilogue ⏩



"The Plot" - Chapter 8: Respect Your Elders

The lizardman stood in the center of the royal treasure vault. He uttered a string of arcane words under his breath and the location and properties of all magical items nearby were revealed to him. With another spell he telekinetically moved aside piles of gold and valuables. From within the heaps of treasure, he levitated two gems: one a dusty rose prism, and the other a pale blue rhomboid. The lizardfolk grasped the gems in his hands and lifted them into the air before letting go, causing them to begin orbiting his head.

He released his concentration on the illusion, revealing his true skeletal form. Valerach the Deathless watched in satisfaction as the two gems were sucked inwards and fit themselves into two of the empty slots in his crown.

“What is going on in there?” a guard shouted from outside the vault, having heard the sound of gold sifting around.

“I am just warding the vault, as the king requested,” the lich lied.

“I’m coming in there!” declared the suspicious guard. Upon trying to open the vault door, the guard unintentionally placed his hand on a nearly invisible rune. The rune glowed brightly for a moment before blowing the guard and the door to smithereens.

Valerach laughed manically, chanted a series of magical words, and disappeared in a flash of light.

--------------------

Stabby and Raven strolled into a large room with six statues of ancient gladiators lining the walls and a statue of a chimera in the room’s center, all of them life sized. Standing at the other side of the room were Prince Argos the 6th and Queen Argossa the 4th, discussing the commotion they had been hearing outside. Wasting no time, Raven unfurled his wings and flew toward the prince.

“Enemies in the castle!” Argos yelled as he grabbed an ornate shield from his back and an exquisite sword hilt from his side.

“How dare you barge into the royal palace uninvited! I will make you pay for this!” The queen furiously spat at the intruders.

“How dare we, indeed! But ‘tis the scene outside that shall really make you seethe!” Stabby the jester wittily remarked.

Raven barrel rolled to the side as a blade of sunlight projected from the sword hilt that Argos was holding. The owlin delivered a powerful kick to the prince’s shield and a karate chop to his shoulder, but the blows were of no use against the enchanted bronze armor and shield. Prince Argos retaliated with a flurry of quick cuts using his Sunblade, one of which grazed Raven’s chest, leaving a long gash in the front of his coat and a burn mark across his chest. The prince slammed his shield into the owlin, knocking him to the floor.

Stabby strummed a strange tune on his cittern and a shimmering lance of psychic power shot from his forehead at the queen. Argossa was struck by the beam and collapsed to the ground, dissipating into thin air. A moment later, the real queen appeared behind where the illusion had just been. With a brief incantation and a wave of her staff, she summoned a gargoyle, which rose from the floor and flew toward the jester. Stabby leapt out of the way of the creature’s claws, but his instrument was knocked to the ground. The jester drew his staff and slammed the top-hat-wearing golden skull knob that adorned one end of it into the gargoyle’s chest. Then gripping the decorative knob, he withdrew a rapier from within the hollow weapon.

Raven rolled out of the way just in time to avoid Argos’ stab, resulting in the Sunblade plunging into the floor and leaving a small, scorched hole. As the prince pulled his blade from the floor, the owlin punched him twice in the stomach. Argos made no attempt to defend against this attack, believing it to be unable to harm him. He was surprised to feel his lifeforce drain a little as Raven used his ki to infuse necrotic energy into the blows. The plague doctor pulled a syringe from his belt and attempted to pierce an unarmored part of the prince’s arm, but Argos blocked it with a magical barrier.

Prince Argos the 6th swept his sword down at Raven’s legs. The owlin narrowly avoided the strike, but the edge of the blade grazed his leg in the process. Before his foe could recover from the pain, Argos swung again, severing Raven’s right arm from the elbow down. As the owlin screamed in pain, the prince thrust his shield upwards and slammed it into Raven’s jaw, sending him sprawling to the ground a few feet away and knocking him out cold.

Stabby frantically parried and dodged the stone beast’s claws and fangs as he struggled to find an opening. The jester finally found his chance and sliced the beast across the side with a psychically-charged strike that cut its mind as much as its stony hide. Argossa glared disdainfully at Stabby as she summoned a giant spider in front of him. The jester ran in terror from the beast and felt its terrible fangs pierce his back as he ran. After a few moments of terror, he turned to face the creature and soon realized what it truly was, an illusory manifestation of his worst fear that was attacking his psyche. Now that he realized the deception, the spider faded and disappeared. As the jester breathed a sigh of relief, the very real gargoyle lunged toward him. The jester hurled his rapier through the air, spearing the stony abomination between the eyes. The summoned monster snarled furiously as it crumbled to dust.

“Sorry for not arriving sooner, but I ran into some guards on the way here,” Mable explained as she ambled into the room, wielding a bloody rolling pin. The elderly woman stood, taking in the scene around her, until she saw Raven, badly injured and sprawled on the floor. Mable’s expression became a stern scowl as she sprinted toward Prince Argos. The chief enforcer swung her rolling pin at the prince several times in succession. Argos blocked each swing with his Sunblade, but the enchanted rolling pin was undamaged by the exchange, and the inhuman strength of the blows sent him staggering back as he parried them.

Mable used her free hand to grab the young man’s wrist and twist it until she heard a crunch. Prince Argos cried out in pain and rage as his sword fell from his hand. The elder lifted him up by his broken arm and hurled him bodily into the nearest wall, leaving a spiderweb of cracks in the stone bricks.

As he ran toward his dropped rapier, Stabby reached into his sleeve and pulled out a dagger. He threw the dagger at Argossa before pulling out and throwing another and another. Before the thrown blades could connect, the queen conjured three duplicates of herself that moved in perfect sync with her. One of the daggers missed completely, and the others each pierced an Argossa that immediately vanished upon being struck. The jester dashed toward the queen, brandishing his retrieved rapier. With a lunging stab, the bard pierced the queen through the chest, only for her to dissipate into thin air.

With all of her duplicates gone, Queen Argossa the 4th took a moment to reassess the situation. With a short, magical, chant she conjured an invisible dome of magical force around Stabby. The jester tried to run toward her, but faceplanted humorously into the dome and soon discovered that his rapier was no good against the barrier. With her foe trapped, Argossa pointed her royal scepter at the chimera statue and shouted “Awaken!” The statue began to shutter and shake for a few moments before the stone burst apart, revealing a real chimera. The beast had the back half of a goat, the front half of a lion, the wings of a red dragon, and the heads of each.

With a loud roar, the chimera spewed a torrent of fire from its dragon head. Mable dropped her rolling pin and grabbed one of the stone gladiator statues. She ripped the statue from the floor and held it in front of her, blocking the flames. Once the fire had subsided, she raised the statue over her head and hurled it at the chimera. The creature was struck by the statue and slammed against a wall, showering the room in fragments of stone, from both the statue and the wall.

While Mable was distracted, Queen Argossa ran over to the badly injured Prince Argos, grabbing his fallen Sunblade in the process, and placed her hand on his shoulder. A quick spell later, the two of them were gone.

Mable braced herself as the beast charged at her. The chimera tried to ram the old woman with its goat head, but she grabbed it by the horns and stopped it in its tracks. Mable wrestled with the beast for a few seconds before getting the better of it and slamming it to the ground. The chimera sprang to its feet and grazed Mable’s side with its claws as she leapt away.

The monster barreled toward the chief enforcer. With stern stoicism, she faced her charging foe, waiting until the time was right. At the perfect moment, Mable snatched her rolling pin off the ground and leapt onto the creature’s back. The elderly barbarian gripped its lion main with one hand while brutally bashing it over its three heads with her rolling pin. With a final, horrible goat scream, the chimera collapsed to the ground with a trio of caved-in skulls. Mable looked around the destroyed room and spotted Stabby cowering inside the invisible dome that he was still trapped in.

Go to Chapter 9 ⏩